Monday, May 26, 2008

Blogging and self loathing

Lately I've been having mood swings about my blog. Sometimes I think "I should blog more! Constantly! Honestly!" Sometimes "I should quit blogging! Give up!" Recently the most seductive thought has been to give up on this blog and start a new blog that is very anonymous and tells it all like it is.

But how would that be? This takes me right into all those questions about memoir vs fiction that we like to think about nowadays. I think that for me, like a lot of people, the true appeal of having a blog is of being known to the outside world, of having a record of my thoughts and feelings that might speak to something in other people. I often like to read posts in which people express feelings that are similar to mine, and I think my blog could serve that purpose for other people.

I'm frustrated recently by the fact that I can't be completely honest, which has made me see that I wanted to be able to do that here. By "not completely honest," I don't mean that I'm lying, just that I can't tell everything, because people who know me read this. I can't be "myself" here for the same reasons that I can't be "myself" anywhere. Because we have to edit too much of ourselves to get along in the world.

Or at least I do.


Shelly said...

I have the very same problem. Friends read mine, as well as a couple of coworkers, my eeevil little brother, my mom, aunts and uncles, and, dear Lord, my grandpa. Eeep!

KathyLikesPink said...

I know what you mean. I had intended to be SOOOO anonymous when I started, but I was so excited about it that I blabbed to people I know.

I am about to change jobs, but haven't/can't mention details on my blog because current my boss reads my blog and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I would enjoy it if you blogged more often, though!

Anonymous said...

Yep. I feel the same way. Would love to tell all, but like an idiot I've told everyone about my blog. All my fault.

Sometimes I think I should blog every other day, rather than every day. But I think I'm too big of a narcissist to do so. Maybe on alternate days I could blog on my "tell-all."

Catherine said...

Thanks for the comments, youse guys. I was hoping I would feel less constrained when blogging than I do in real life. But, blogging seems to be a form of real life, or at least my real life self is doing the blogging, so...

June, you should blog as much as you want! I think most of your fans would love it if you blogged even more than you do now. I admire the fact that you do it every night. I find it hard to want to touch the computer in the evenings after being on it most of the day at work.