Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Thinking about life

I was talking to a wise woman yesterday about my feeling that I'm casting about, and that I keep wanting to make some enormous change but all the changes I think about making don't seem like the right ones. Examples: moving, sometimes to town and sometimes to a whole new place; changing jobs; changing jobs and moving; buying a car, computer, flat-screen tv, or other big ticket item, or every big ticket item; etc. I really don't want to do any of these things, but I keep thinking about them. I believe this is a very subtle signal from my subconscious that I want to change *something*. But what?

In the course of our conversation, I said something about being afraid I wouldn't have any retirement years to enjoy, because I might be dead or severely disabled by then. Not to be gruesome, mind you -- it's something I worry about mostly because my mother had a stroke at the age of 52. DH (which does not stand for dear husband as it does everywhere else, but rather for the aforementioned wise woman) said that one thing I could do is to think about my five-year plan. Where do I want to be in 5 years? And what are the steps I can take to get there? And what things can I implement right now to make this time more enjoyable and fulfilling?

Now part of me has never liked having or making goals. I like the idea of seeing where life takes me. And part of me thinks that 50 year olds with 5-year plans are kind of absurd, which when you think about it is absurd of me to think. Obvy, people of all ages have ideas of where they want to be down the road.

Part of me is afraid to want things because I might not get them.

Part of me is now keeping a journal detailing events during each day that (a) surprise, (b) move, or (c) inspire me. This, in an attempt to find patterns that might lend some direction to my mindless casting about.

I'd say I'll keep you posted, but do I ever follow-up on anything that I say that about? I'll keep you posted if I think to do so...

1 comment:

mavis said...

I think the journal is an excellent idea. I might try that as well. I'm almost 50 and still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I look forward to your updates and I'd like to hear about how you decided on your last career change.