Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Confessions that I should probably keep to myself

1. Remember when I talked about that thing that happened at work that made me lose my perspective but then I regained my perspective fairly quickly? That wasn't regained perspective, that was a lightly scabbed-over deep wound to the spirit. I mean, who was I kidding? It's been simmering here, just under the surface, and now every time I have a "spot of bother" at work I'm feeling just miserable. I applied introspection to this problem and realized that, while I'm fully aware that I'm not perfect, I was trying so hard to be perfect here, and working for someone who seemed to think I was perfect, and who is also a perfectionist, that now the bloom is off the rose and I don't even feel like trying anymore. This is not a reaction I'm proud of, but it's a familiar pattern. I feel like I can never attain the same level of respect, and I don't want to try at least partially because I'm mad to find that a) I was being perfectionistic again and b) I'm working for a perfectionist. Although neither should surprise me, especially the latter because, my friends, not only does one marry one's father/mother, one also works for them. Which really just means that it's yet another opportunity to work on longstanding issues. I'm not perfect, the person I work for isn't perfect, and I don't even think I'm perfect, and yet I hope to be perfect. The whole thing is out of control. Must calm down. Must give self permission to flub things up once in a while. Isn't flub a good word?

2. This is very hard for me to say, but... I thought painting my house and redoing my bathroom would make me happier than it has. I feel like I got used to it instantly and it doesn't feel all that different, even though I know -- I know! -- that it has changed radically. It's very beautiful now, and I don't feel like I have to ignore the yucky walls which have needed painting since before I moved in. And the bathtub is truly joyous. But I feel in some ways like I've had it forever. Even though I just got it. I know that money can't buy happiness, but I love my home, and I really thought that sprucing it up would make me love it so much more. And I do still love it, and maybe the bar was pretty high to begin with, but I haven't felt an incredible increase of love. This is such a dopey thing to complain about, and I don't really mean to complain. It's just something I noticed. I've dreamed for years of having the interior painted. I thought it would make the house perfect (eek, perfection again). And it does look utterly gorgeous. I just didn't think I'd get used to it that fast -- I thought I would feel renewed wonder every time I looked at it.

Thus endeth my confessions. Don't judge me! Or go ahead and judge me, I have no control over what you do.

3 comments:

mavis (mystery maven) said...

Flub is a great word! Lately I have been telling myself not to beat myself up if I "flub" something at work. If you look, you'll notice everyone does. But isn't it funny how no one complains to the boss's boss when his admin messes up! Then it's "oh, she has so much on her plate." Like, what's on my plate? Caviar?? So maybe it's my age, but now I just try to remember that no one is perfect and let it go. I think about the important things like how happy my puppy is going to be when I get home and when is the next Colin Farrell movie coming out! :)

Catherine said...

I disagree with you about admins (by which I guess you mean administrative assistants?) not getting any flak. I think it's a hard and underappreciated job. I used to be one, and while I enjoyed it, it was no walk in the park.

mystery maven said...

Oh, I'm an admin assistant, too. It is a very tough job. I'd love to get out of it. Sorry, I just meant that everyone makes mistakes but depending on who one works for, or what clique one is in...Anyway, I must have had a bad day at work when I wrote that. Sorry!